Judi Noble Coaching
Our
goal for all who come to us
is to leave with joy instead of mourning–—praise instead of a heavy
burden and falling spirits–—and that they would be strengthened to face
the trials of life through Jesus Christ that He might be glorified. -Judi Noble
Domestic Abuse Help: We Meet You Where You Are
"What do you need?"It seems like the most basic question when you want to help someone. Yet, it's one of the most difficult questions for women in abusive relationships to answer.
You see, they're not used to considering their needs. They've been taught by life and their abusers that they have little value. So, what they want or need somehow doesn't seem to be an important question. Sadly, sometimes, the more committed they are to their church, the more difficult this question can be for them. Because they truly love God, they don't want to disappoint Him. And they fear that if they're not a "submissive" wife, they're stepping out of God's plan for their lives. Submissive wives don't make their needs an issue.
The job of coaching a woman who has been abused is to build her self-esteem. She needs to see herself as a woman of worth. Only then does she accept the tools she needs to build and step into her own dreams. The more dependent she is on her abuser, the more difficult the job of building her sense of worth.
The job of building self-esteem begins with building her trust. She needs to be able to trust someone. Her survival may depend on it. In coaching, we start with wherever this valuable human being is now. Is she being abused? The answer is not always clear. "Well, he doesn't hit me that much." She may not recognize abuse as abuse. The first step is getting her to admit to herself that she is in an abusive relationship.
Is she in danger? Then, our job is to advocate for getting her to safety. Eagle's Wings resources include a region-wide safety network to protect the abused. Convincing her that it's time to leave may be difficult. Fear is her constant companion.
Her abuser rules by controlling her every move. This person has probably already separated her from her family and friends. The abuser knows where she is most of the time because she must check in. The abuser knows where, when, and how much money she spends. Just in meeting for a coaching session, she may be taking a huge risk.
Sadly, the abuser is often the last person anyone would suspect of abuse. In public, he's generally charming and often respected. Domestic violence is about retaining power and control. For male abusers, it's usually about filling a deep wound they feel as a man. Often, their jobs are terribly stressful and they feel devalued in them. They fill their pain by inflicting pain on someone else.
Abusers are people who need to be loved, honored, and admired all the time. They may be people of stature in the community, including pastors and other spiritual leaders, law enforcement officers, doctors, judges, teachers, elected officials, and other persons we afford our trust.
Small wonder that an abused woman questioning her own worth might devalue her needs and abuse at the hands of a publicly powerful and admired person.
The role of coaching is to validate this woman, her needs, and her right to safety and respect. It is to equip her to take responsibility by choosing life. This will mean different things for different individuals. For some, it will mean leaving. Once an abused woman has made the decision to go, the coaching job is to walk her through the process.