Our Work: Reconciliation and Restoration to End Domestic Violence
Our work focuses on the following key elements:
Providing
reconciliation and restoration for women, men, and families through
education, counseling, and partnerships with other organizations
committed to ending domestic violence
Our mission is to reconcile and restore family bonds severed by domestic abuse whenever this can be done safely. This focus is unique among organizations devoted to stopping domestic violence.
Reconciliation and Restoration?
What do we mean by "reconciliation and restoration"?Reconciliation: Letting Go of Familiar Hells
"I'm sorry." It's a phrase abusers use constantly. And they mean it, usually, when they say it. The problem is they've learned no skills for ending their abusive behavior. So the next time something triggers their anger, they abuse again.Then, again, "I'm sorry." In the moment, they truly are, but there's a problem with their apology. It's always about them: "If only you wouldn't have done . . . ," they explain to the partner they've just abused. They can't bring themselves to own and take full responsibility for their behavior.
But without ownership and responsibility for their own behaviors, there can be no real reconciliation. The ability to accept one another, rooted in forgiveness and ownership of personal behavior, is the start of reconciliation. Eagle's Wings work is equipping the abused person and/or the abuser to move to that level of forgiveness and ownership in their lives.
"If
I forgive him, do I
have to let him back in?" No. Jesus said forgive, not forget.
Reconciliation doesn't necessarily mean sharing a home or a life together again. It's about both parties achieving a level of forgiveness and changed behaviors that allow them to move forward in their lives again—whether it's together or separately.
The abuser is not the only one who must change. Many abused women and men return again and again to a life of perpetual victimization. Why do they return to a situation that is totally destructive to their well-being? Because it's familiar. It may be hell, but it's a familiar hell. And they lack the self-esteem to change their own behavior and leave. For the abused person, reconciliation is about coming to a place where she or he can finally let the abuser go and start breathing again.
Restoration: Learning to Breathe Again
With reconciliation, the hard work of restoration can begin. Restoration is the rebuilding of that broken relationship in a healthy way. Again, the goal is not necessarily putting a domestic relationship back together again. It's about restoring, or perhaps creating for the first time, a relationship rooted in respect between equals.Can this really work between people with a violent past? Yes. Read Judi's Story and Jim's Story.